I Am Okay

 I am okay.  

I am not looking for sympathy.  I am writing this for myself, and anyone else who might find themselves in a similar situation. 

On October 17, 2011, we found out that we were pregnant with our second child together.  We were ecstatic with the news and called Grandmas and Grandpas as soon as we got home from work that day.  This baby was a long time coming...we'd been planning on getting pregnant for 2 years, and just like with the Big Man, the first try worked like a charm!  However, unlike with the Big Man, we decided to keep the news quiet...we told our parents and grandparents, but decided not to tell everyone else "just in case."  I still don't know why we made that choice.  We didn't do that with the Big Man...with him we were shouting it from the roof tops that very same day.  I don't know. 
The cravings had been going on for a while...even before we "technically found out" at 6 weeks...I knew pretty early on.  The mood swings came again, and I was gaining weight pretty quickly.  Around 7 1/2 weeks, the morning sickness came.  UGH.  But, I was happy...a life was growing in my belly again.  We decided on names pretty quickly this time...every thing was perfect.
On November 7th, we went in for our first appointment.  Nothing out of the ordinary...take a pee test, talk to the nurse, get an annual since we're there.  Because the technician was sick that day, we did have to reschedule our first ultrasound and I was pretty upset about it...but we set up an appointment to come back in on Thursday afternoon.

Thursday was November 10th.  I hate November 10th.  In retrospect, I knew.  I knew before the appointment, I new before I saw the image of an unmoving baby, I probably knew even before we confirmed the pregnancy...  But the fact remains that there is nothing...NOTHING...that can prepare you for that moment when you hear your husband say, "you're not trying to give us bad news are you?"  All of a sudden you are in a tin can, everything is an echo.  You're lying on your back, staring at the image on the screen...willing it with your eyes to move...to have a heartbeat...to...do...something.  It doesn't happen.  You know it won't.  You haven't had any cravings or morning sickness in over a week.
The doctor comes in and officially gives you the news that you don't want to HEAR.  You hate her.  All  you can do is cry.  You can't drive, you can't think..."I'll drive" you hear your husband say as you mechanically buckle your seatbelt.  How did you get to the car?  Your mind is empty, and yet in overdrive.  "Hi Mommy!"  you hear the love of your life cheerfully say as he climbs into the backseat.  "Daddy came to get me today!"  All you can do is look at him...and...cry.

The Technical/Yucky Stuff
I had what is called a missed miscarriage.  Basically, the baby's heart stopped beating at about 8 1/2 weeks, the hormones continued to produce, and my uterus continued to grow.  Essentially, my body still "thought" it was pregnant.  We were given a couple options: we could let nature take its course, and eventually, my body would expel the fetus OR we could have a procedure done to remove the "products of conception."  (isn't that nice?) Ideally, I would've liked to have just let my body do what it's supposed to do, but Matt was getting ready to go on a 3 week TDY and the doctor assured us that the process wouldn't be pleasant. I didn't want to go through it alone. So, we chose to have a S&C done on November 23. 
The doctor told us we could start trying again as soon as I had a regular cycle.  Unfortunately...that never happened.  I don't know, but I'm pretty sure there are few things to make you feel like less of a woman than not being able to carry a pregnancy and then not being able to have a period.  I waited until March and finally was prescribed a medicine that would "jump start" a period.  It worked.  Now, we're waiting.  We're not in a big hurry; hopefully it will happen.  If not...well...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  

WHY
The reason I'm writing this is because miscarriage is all too often swept under the rug.  Sadly, this is something that when it happens...you don't talk about it...you don't know how.  It's not a part of what is acceptable in our culture...I'm no expert but I think it's part of the whole..."American's don't fail at anything" mentality that's been around since forever. I knew I wanted to talk about this...but I needed to find an outlet.  I decided to do it today, June 12, 2012, my due date... as a celebration of sorts.  I'm not super religious...I don't know if this happened because of God or because of biology.  But I know that it happened for the right reasons.  Believe it or not...I went through the grieving process pretty quickly.  Within a week, or two, I was okay. 

COPE
I am very lucky to have a very strong support system, my husband is amazing; and while my family is far away, they are always there for me.  There are thousands of websites dedicated to miscarriage, stillbirth and dealing with the loss of a pregnancy.  If you or someone you know is dealing with this, seek out information and help. 
Coping with the loss of your childs life is never easy, and I'm sure some might argue that the earlier it happens, the easier it is.  I can't speak to that...I don't know.   What I can tell you is how I coped with it...how I am coping with it.  TALK and LISTEN. 

TALK...because you too can help other women who are hurting. 
LISTEN...because you learn best from others who have been there. 

and believe me...many...many others have been there. 

She's Crafty! An easy Easter Wreath

okay...okay...she's also a bit of a dork.  I couldn't help it.  I have to start by telling you that I am not a very creative person.  Or...at least...I wasn't until I discovered Pinterest.  I still can't come up with brilliant craft ideas on my own and I still think that people who scrapbook for fun are a little weird.  BUT!  I have discovered that with the right pinspiration...I can come up with some pretty cool ideas.  For example:  this weekend I made an Easter wreath.  I love wreaths, and I want to eventually have one for every season.  I have one for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and now...Easter.  YEA!  I got my inspiration from a blog that I follow, Little Birdie Secrets. But here's the thing...I really like the idea, but I wanted something of my own.

Bear with me...I'm learning as I go.

My First How-To: 

Fuzzy Easter Wreath

What you'll need: 

• wreath form
• Haute Fur yarn in cypress
• plastic Easter eggs
• hot glue
• 4 year old assistant--optional 

and like a dummy, I didn't take a picture of everything together.  It's not rocket science.  Go buy the stuff now...Hobby Lobby.  (not the four year old, that's illegal)

This is the yarn that I bought.  Yes, it says 93 yards. 

Start wrapping the yarn around the wreath form.  I did use a little bit of modge podge to start it off, but elmers glue or your hot glue would work too. 

As you wrap, push the yarn together.  (Don't push too much, you'll see why soon) I would go around 3-4 times and push. 

Begin to doubt that you bought enough yarn. 

Have your assistant put the plastic eggs together.  He was supposed to glue them, but we ended up not needing to. 

WHEW!  Half way done.

When you get tired of wrapping, have your assistant help you wrap it. 

Finish and say, "Oh,oh."  Then very gently spread the yard apart to cover the naked part. (see?)  Take note of your need for a pedicure. 

 Here, I forgot to take pictures, but one egg at a time, use your hot glue and glue the eggs to the wreath/each other.  I started at the bottom and then moved my way up.  I put the eggs over the area that was once naked. 

Ta-da!  A whimsical, fuzzy, Easter wreath!

 So...before you begin your own...please learn from my mistake and don't get over zealous with the pushing up of the yarn, it's fluffy so it does a really good job covering the wreath form.  You still probably want it all to touch, but it doesn't need to overlap. 

This was totally WAY too easy!  And, the finished product is a-dorable!  I spent less than $20 to do this and was done in no time!  AND...if you've got an assistant...it's a great time to sit down on the kitchen floor and bond.  





Good luck!! 

catching up

Oklahoma City Art Museum

With Grandma at the falls

The Tiger Cubs were the whole reason we went to the zoo!

Remember when I said that I've been busy having a life?  Yep.  That's for sure.  What's been going on?  WELL...my mom came to visit.  YEA!!!  Finally, we got to have Grandma time.  Matt was gone, but me, grandma and the Big Man had a great week.  We spent a day in Oklahoma City, went to see the falls, ate amazing Texas BBQ, and we got to see the Lorax...simple things when you're 4. 

OKC National Memorial

 We also had LOTS of T-ball practice, but...honestly...probably not as much as they need when they're 4.  I have those "If I were the coach..." moments and then remember that I would never be able to deal with 15 four and five year olds for an hour at a time, so better him than me.  Needless to say, my kid is super cute...awkward, yes, but super cute just the same.

and just so you know...I hate trying to format pictures into this thing!

Been a while...

Sorry...I was out having a life...apparently.  AND...I was so busy I missed it!  UGH!  So, I have a bit of catching up to do, and I will. 

After we talk about papaya.  This isn't really about papaya...it's more about my strange and interesting family dynamics, but it started with papaya.(and it's on my mind, so it's what I'm writing about)

Last night my phone rang at exactly 12:01...I had literally just gotten my side of the bed warm.  It was my brother...and I ignored it.  As I got back in bed, Matt asked, "why not answer it?" and I said that if he hadn't just butt dialed me he would call me again...no sooner had I said this than the phone was ringing again.  Okay, must be important.  The conversation went something like this,
"Hey."
"Hey yourself, what's up?"
"Were you sleeping?"
"Yeah, it's midnight..."
"It's not midnight there, that means it's 1 o'clock here...oh, crap it's 1 o'clock here...I'm sorry."
"It's alright, what's going on?"
"So, I need to know how you feel about papayas"  
RIGHT...my little brother NEEDS to know how I FEEL about papayas at 1 am his time on a Monday night.  I briefly thought about saying, "not much, I haven't got to spend a lot of time with them..." but thought better of it. 

While I'm thinking about it, I don't like mangoes either.  

Following the Directions or Why I'm Not a Food Blogger

In order to save a little cash, I have gotten into the habit of buying boxed cookie mix instead of pre-made cookies from Keebler or Nabisco or whatever.  Usually it saves me about $4 a month...thats not really a whole lot, but its a corner and I cut it. 

SO...this evening, I decided to make a batch of cookies.  This is not rocket science, you do what the box tells you, let the cookies cool, eat a couple, pack some in the kids lunch box, eat a couple more and put them away. 

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THOSE COOKIES?!?!?! 

Isn't that awesome?  Yeah, completely ruined 2 dozen cookies.  How?...you might ask.  I followed the damn directions!  "Pre-heat oven to 375"  I think to myself...that's a little different...okay.  "Bake for 8-10 minutes"  Let's go with eight, I can always keep them in if they need it.  Ya'll they were SMOKING!  Then, to add insult to injury, I thought I'd be smart and cut off the bottoms...yeah...no... The whole flippin' cookie tasted like burnt...uh...cookie.  

I had enough dough for one more dozen...so I lowered the temperature to 350, and cooked for 8 minutes.  Those cookies were awesome. 

On Being a Military Family

What I love about being a military family:

• moving
• traveling 
• meeting new people
• exposing my kids to new and different cultures
• the welcome homes

What I hate about being a military family:

• moving
• traveling
• meeting new people
• exposing my kids to new and different cultures
• the goodbyes 

I grew up in a military family, it's not too much of a surprise to me that I married into it.  Maybe it's in my blood, but I get antsy after living in one place for more than 3 or 4 years.  Growing up, I loved going on road trips, going to visit our family, getting presents and sometimes money from the cool places Daddy went to. 

Little did I know the grown-up side of it though...

1. Moving SUCKS!  There's the going through ev-er-y thing and throwing crap away; the pre-packing (cause military packers are dumb); the packing days when you allow high school drop out probably former convicts into your home to touch your stuff; the cleaning; the address changing; the finding a new house on the internet and hoping it's not in the ghetto when you get there; the saying goodbye.  On our most recent move, one of the movers stole my debit card number and cleared my account. WHILE WE WERE ON THE ROAD!  Um...yeah...we kinda needed that money...thanks.
2. Family visits are expensive!  I don't actually know how my parents were able to swing sending us kids to see both sets of Grandparents every year (sometimes twice a year).  One thing is for sure, they taught us that family is important. Taxes are being used this year to fly me and the Big Man out to see my Grandparents... 
3. Getting presents and money from Daddys trips actually means that Daddy has to go away for a while.  This sucks for a couple of reasons...a) he's not here b)Murphys Law states that whatever can go wrong, won't until after he's gone AND THEN...it'll all go wrong at once c) as soon as Daddys gone, our son turns into a completely different child (I thought this was just me, or him reacting to my anxiety, it's not, his teachers have noticed a change too) d) as soon as we get into a routine, Daddy comes back and screws it all up
4. Meeting new people is a wonderful thing...but...it's also one of the most difficult things to do.  In the nine months that we've lived here, I have met three women my age that I would like to be friends with.  I say like cause I have yet to have the chance to even go have coffee or get my nails done with any of them.  
5. New and different cultures...OH BOY...well...I opened that can of worms.  At the risk of hurting someones feelings...Texas is about 20 years behind the Western half of the country.  I am trying to see past the bigotry and ignorance.  I'm actually in the process of looking for a teaching farm to expose the Big Man to animal husbandry...I think it'll be cool for him to learn about animals and how farms work.  While in Utah, the Big Man went to daycare/pre-school in a multi-cultural setting, there were black, Asian, Polynesian, Hispanic, and Anglo kids...now there's like 5 kids who aren't Anglo in his whole school.
6. The Goodbyes...this is the worst.  This isn't actually that much different from when I was a kid, except as a kid...I was a kid.  I hated leaving Illinois.  We had a home, all of our family, good jobs and friends.  I hated leaving Utah.  We had a home, the BEST jobs either of us had ever had and friends.  God, I miss my friends.  I miss my job, students, coworkers.  I miss having informal get-togethers in our front yard.  I will probably hate leaving Texas...I hope.  Then there's the other goodbyes...the ones where you have to say goodbye to your spouse.  It doesn't matter if they're going away for a week or a year...IT BLOWS.  We've been very blessed that Matt has never been deployed to a warzone, but quite frankly that doesn't matter...when they're gone...they're gone. Tomorrow, after only 3 weeks of having him back, we will be saying goodbye again. 

I lied...

So, the last time you heard from me, I was suffering from what I called "medicine head" and in hindsight, I have to tell you...it wasn't medicine head.  It was the beginning of a really long and painful evening!  I got home, turned on the TV for the Big Man and crashed.  I felt terrible.  Around 6 or so, Matt kissed me and left to Oklahoma City to pick up Sissy from the airport. I measured time by the times I had to start another cartoon on Netflix and around 8 or 8:30, I put the boy down for bed.  The next 12 hours SUCKED.  I was freezing, so I bundled up in 2 blankets (1 down, 1 flannel) but then I was sweaty.  I couldn't stop shivering, my skin was hot to the touch (like it burned when I touched it), my head both hurt and felt entirely disconnected from my body.  I realized that I had a fever, so I dug up a thermometer and lo and behold...it read 101.8.  I *kinda* freaked and got online and read that if it got to 102, I should go to the hospital.  Being as how I was home alone, that wasn't going to happen...so I gave in and took some Motrin.  It helped...a lot...well...if you consider 2 degrees a lot. The next day, I made Matt take me to The Urgent Care Clinic, where I was officially diagnosed with "upper respiratory crud," although I think the real name is flu.  Whatever, I got some ammoxocillian and was feeling better before 2pm. 

Not 100% mind you, but better. 

Around 3, Saturday afternoon, we packed up the kids and headed down to Dallas.  Matts best friend from Middle School/early High School lives down there and we finally got around to setting up a dinner reunion of sorts.  I wish I'd gotten pictures, but I really didn't think about it.  We met Steve and Heidi at Carinos in Hurst...and spent 2 hours talking, reconnecting, getting to know one another.  Needless to say, after 2 hours of grown-up time, the Big Man started to make it known that he was D-O-N-E being good and we needed to do anything else other than sit (Sissy was getting pretty antsy too).  I'm so happy I got to meet Steve and Heidi!  I'm really looking forward to having them come see us in the near future. 

Sunday morning, I woke up and made waffles for brunch.  I HAVE to tell you about my waffle iron!  I asked Matt for a waffle iron for Christmas with the promise that I would make waffles every weekend.  While I haven't kept 100% to that promise, I've done pretty well.  I don't get all fancy and baker-ish with the waffles, I just use the recipe on the back of the Bisquick box with a splash of vanilla (btw...love my sisters blog, you should read it).  I LOVE my waffle iron!  It's a double sided, Belgian Waffle iron made by Waring.  It's kinda like those waffle irons they have in hotels.  And I love it...did I mention that I love it?  We had a nice family breakfast and then just kinda chilled the rest of the day. 

After dinner we went to Maggie Moo's for dessert and I was able to sneak a picture of Sissy...smiling...YEA!

Medicine head

You ever have one of those days where you are just totally out of it?  Yeah...that would be today.  I have a bit of a cold, it's really not that bad, but MAN!  I think the meds I took just threw me for a loop today.  It probably doesn't help that I woke up 20 times last night either because I was freezing or because I was snotty.  You know the drill, snuffy sinuses, sore throat, tender ears.  I've been fighting it since Wednesday, and right now I really feel like I'm losing the battle.  I can't think straight, I keep mis-hearing things or not hearing them at all, my sentences don't make sense.  I could call in and/or go to Urgicare, but I really don't want to.  Maybe if I'm still yucky in the morning, I'll go in. 

On another note...Sissy is coming tonight!  A certain Big Man has been talking about seeing her all week.  Since Monday is a holiday (for the kids & the hubs, mind you, not me), we decided to fly her down because we won't get to have her for Easter break this year (damn military...) 

We've got a super busy weekend planned ahead...can't wait to see her!

The First

Right...so...I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing.  I've wanted to start a blog for a long time but never thought I had anything useful to say.  I still don't...really.  BUT...I figure I can give it a shot and see how it goes.  Whatever. 

So...what you need to know about me... 
Well...I'm a Mom.  I have a 4 1/2 year old son and a 15 1/2 year old not-daughter.  (Not-daughter?  you ask, right...because we don't use "Step"-- too many bad connotations).  My kids are pretty much my everything.  Many people can't understand that not-parents can and do love their not-children "just as much" as their bio-kids.  Here's how I look at it...do you love all of your kids?  Yes.  Do you love all of them the exact same?  No.  Everyone loves their kids different.  Me too. 

I'm a teacher.  I've been teaching for 7 years and I love it.  I have taught 6th grade, 8th grade and High School.  I'm a Social Studies teacher by degree, but am working on getting certified in Language Arts and in Special Education.  I also have my certification in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL).  I didn't grow up wanting to be a teacher, but I love it and I've been told that I'm pretty good at it...so...

I'm a wife.  Last?  Yes.  But not least.  I have an amazing husband who spoils me rotten.  He's also been known to drive me absolutely crazy.  He's funny, smart, super hot and an amazing Dad.  Unlike most women, I had the privilege of watching my husband be a Dad before we got married...and I knew that I wanted him to be the father of my kids.  He's finishing up his military career teaching classes here in Texas and all over the world.  He's also working on his Masters degree in Instructional Design.  Did I mention that he's smart? 

So...what's this all about?  Well...Us, really. I'll probably talk about cooking, crafting, lesson planning, family "Stay"cations and road trips, military life, trying to live frugally, ...  At this point...if it has to do with us...it's fair game.