I Am Okay

 I am okay.  

I am not looking for sympathy.  I am writing this for myself, and anyone else who might find themselves in a similar situation. 

On October 17, 2011, we found out that we were pregnant with our second child together.  We were ecstatic with the news and called Grandmas and Grandpas as soon as we got home from work that day.  This baby was a long time coming...we'd been planning on getting pregnant for 2 years, and just like with the Big Man, the first try worked like a charm!  However, unlike with the Big Man, we decided to keep the news quiet...we told our parents and grandparents, but decided not to tell everyone else "just in case."  I still don't know why we made that choice.  We didn't do that with the Big Man...with him we were shouting it from the roof tops that very same day.  I don't know. 
The cravings had been going on for a while...even before we "technically found out" at 6 weeks...I knew pretty early on.  The mood swings came again, and I was gaining weight pretty quickly.  Around 7 1/2 weeks, the morning sickness came.  UGH.  But, I was happy...a life was growing in my belly again.  We decided on names pretty quickly this time...every thing was perfect.
On November 7th, we went in for our first appointment.  Nothing out of the ordinary...take a pee test, talk to the nurse, get an annual since we're there.  Because the technician was sick that day, we did have to reschedule our first ultrasound and I was pretty upset about it...but we set up an appointment to come back in on Thursday afternoon.

Thursday was November 10th.  I hate November 10th.  In retrospect, I knew.  I knew before the appointment, I new before I saw the image of an unmoving baby, I probably knew even before we confirmed the pregnancy...  But the fact remains that there is nothing...NOTHING...that can prepare you for that moment when you hear your husband say, "you're not trying to give us bad news are you?"  All of a sudden you are in a tin can, everything is an echo.  You're lying on your back, staring at the image on the screen...willing it with your eyes to move...to have a heartbeat...to...do...something.  It doesn't happen.  You know it won't.  You haven't had any cravings or morning sickness in over a week.
The doctor comes in and officially gives you the news that you don't want to HEAR.  You hate her.  All  you can do is cry.  You can't drive, you can't think..."I'll drive" you hear your husband say as you mechanically buckle your seatbelt.  How did you get to the car?  Your mind is empty, and yet in overdrive.  "Hi Mommy!"  you hear the love of your life cheerfully say as he climbs into the backseat.  "Daddy came to get me today!"  All you can do is look at him...and...cry.

The Technical/Yucky Stuff
I had what is called a missed miscarriage.  Basically, the baby's heart stopped beating at about 8 1/2 weeks, the hormones continued to produce, and my uterus continued to grow.  Essentially, my body still "thought" it was pregnant.  We were given a couple options: we could let nature take its course, and eventually, my body would expel the fetus OR we could have a procedure done to remove the "products of conception."  (isn't that nice?) Ideally, I would've liked to have just let my body do what it's supposed to do, but Matt was getting ready to go on a 3 week TDY and the doctor assured us that the process wouldn't be pleasant. I didn't want to go through it alone. So, we chose to have a S&C done on November 23. 
The doctor told us we could start trying again as soon as I had a regular cycle.  Unfortunately...that never happened.  I don't know, but I'm pretty sure there are few things to make you feel like less of a woman than not being able to carry a pregnancy and then not being able to have a period.  I waited until March and finally was prescribed a medicine that would "jump start" a period.  It worked.  Now, we're waiting.  We're not in a big hurry; hopefully it will happen.  If not...well...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  

WHY
The reason I'm writing this is because miscarriage is all too often swept under the rug.  Sadly, this is something that when it happens...you don't talk about it...you don't know how.  It's not a part of what is acceptable in our culture...I'm no expert but I think it's part of the whole..."American's don't fail at anything" mentality that's been around since forever. I knew I wanted to talk about this...but I needed to find an outlet.  I decided to do it today, June 12, 2012, my due date... as a celebration of sorts.  I'm not super religious...I don't know if this happened because of God or because of biology.  But I know that it happened for the right reasons.  Believe it or not...I went through the grieving process pretty quickly.  Within a week, or two, I was okay. 

COPE
I am very lucky to have a very strong support system, my husband is amazing; and while my family is far away, they are always there for me.  There are thousands of websites dedicated to miscarriage, stillbirth and dealing with the loss of a pregnancy.  If you or someone you know is dealing with this, seek out information and help. 
Coping with the loss of your childs life is never easy, and I'm sure some might argue that the earlier it happens, the easier it is.  I can't speak to that...I don't know.   What I can tell you is how I coped with it...how I am coping with it.  TALK and LISTEN. 

TALK...because you too can help other women who are hurting. 
LISTEN...because you learn best from others who have been there. 

and believe me...many...many others have been there.